Intentional Mother, Accidental Housewife

Four year old contemplates the physicality of death and discovers infinity...

2011-08-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

The following is a poor approximation of two intriguing conversations my four year old initiated with me today... Ella, on her way out the door to the backyard, looks up at me and asks, " When you die, do you still have your skin, even though you are gone?"

“Yes. You still have your skin.”

“But, you aren't there anymore, cause you are dead? What happens to you?”

“Your organs stop working.”

“Does your skin stop working?”

“Yes."

"Then, what? Does it go away?"

"Yes, then it goes away, too.”

“Oh,” and she closes the screen door and turns around to play outside.

Several hours later, we finished brushing her teeth, and Ella asks me “Is there an end number? Do numbers just keep on going?”

“Yes. They just keep on going.”

“They don't stop. They just keep on going and going.”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“That's the cool thing about numbers, no matter how high you go, you can add more. How did you know this? Have you and your dad been talking about it?”

“No. I was just thinking about it,” she replies while doing a circular motion with her finger next to her head as if she's indicating the wheels turning inside.

Finding structure

2008-06-10T19:50:00.001-07:00

I realized I hadn't written in quite some time, so I ventured over and immediately was taken in and redirected by my last post. I am happy to report that the stupor I was suffering has been (at least momentarily) combated. Ironically, I am keeping myself busier and structuring my days better now that I am not working. The key was that I wrote down a lot of little home projects that really need to get done and that I want to do, and I have been slowly tackling them this summer. Ella has helped me immensely, too, by starting to take longer naps. Finally, after 7 or more months in which her two naps a day have been consistently 30 - 40 minutes each, she has started taking naps that last 1 - 1.5 hours, occasionally even sleeping longer. It's amazing how much more I can get done during those nap times now! So, I have embraced a new purpose in "nesting," and I gotta admit it feels good. In the first 2 weeks or so I've painted the hallway, cleaned up the scraggly excuse for landscaping, cleaned out Tay's room, and all around have done better at keeping up with housework and cooking decent meals. Ah. It feels good to not be fighting oneself all of the time. And, many of the projects I've chosen to tackle entail at least a wee bit of creativity, which helps me feel somewhat inspired on top of feeling productive. So far just the feeling of success is enough to sustain me.

Ambivilence stupor

2008-04-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid I'm not passionate about much. Or, that I have the passion within me, but I don't have a chance to unlock it because I am too occupied doing laundry and washing dishes. Or, (even worse?) that I waste some of the good time I have just staring into space, and then I have to rush around doing laundry and washing dishes, then take the remaining late night hours to grade papers, and I don't even stop to think about what I would like to be doing if I finally had this "life" thing down pat and all in order. So, what do I wish for? More time? Would that do it? I think I would just like a little more structure. A good project I was engaged in, one in which I am working with others, contributing a little, learning a bit, and it has the added benefit of anchoring my time. I spend such a large majority of my time with myself, and a miniature lady who just turned one (yeah!), that I've actually lost a sense of myself. I just don't know where to find me.

Media subtleties

2008-03-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

Without a television, ipod, or good college radio station at hand, I listen to a lot of NPR. It's my main source of news and entertainment especially in the mornings and evenings, during dinner preparation time. As I listen, I try to keep my mind open to the sub-text of the messages, seeing if I can interpret anything that is not being said as well as what is said- it's just a personal mental exercise. For a while, I've had the impression (which according to recent Saturday Night Live skits is not at all unique) that many of the journalists, even on NPR, seem to like Obama... yes, even a bit more than the other candidates. I feel that this impression was confirmed this morning. Between interviews, news stories, etc., NPR always plays a few bars of music for transition. This morning, at the conclusion of an interview with Obama, the instrumental music that transitioned to the next segment was a rendition of the Steve Miller Band's song with the phrase... "time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future." Prophetic or just hopeful?

Is unity in the future for the Dems?

2008-02-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

There is a lot of talk now about Hillary fighting for every last delegate, including the delegates in Michigan and Florida. I think that this type of strategy that her own campaign is forging and talking about- even promoting the significance of superdelegates as important, equal votes (instead of votes that may undermine our democracy by going against the popular vote) speaks of the selfish focus that Hillary has to win this election. Her claims that she is doing this for America just are not backed by her actions, in my view.

So, yesterday I came across this letter, and although the author has a much higher regard for Senator Clinton than I do, I think she eloquently speaks to the heart of the choice we have to make. http://queenofspainblog.com/2008/02/12/dear-senator-hillary-clinton-please-step-down/

A unified America... is it possible? I don't know, but I sure would like to give it a fighting chance.

I get to vote today!

2008-02-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

I get to vote today! I get to vote today!
I don't think I've ever been this excited to vote. I am actually voting for someone who I really like, think could make a good leader, and has a really good chance to win. Wow. I have always felt delighted upon leaving the polling place having cast a ballot and utilizing my freedoms, but this year I am bubbling in anticipation. I feel HOPE. I think I can make a difference toward CHANGE, and that, my friend, is beautiful.

Sporadic weather as a reflection of life and death

2008-02-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I regularly recognized that the weather often reflected my mood or the tide of the day. I took note when I was sad on rainy days... especially when I'd leave a visit with my dad in Missouri and it was raining and I'd arrive to be with my mom in Texas and it was sunny. I was sad to go and yet happy to be home- and the weather was on board. Then, on the day I graduated from high school it was one of those sunny/rainy days where the sun would light up the rain in a bright grey green glow- a perfect representation of the bittersweet emotions I was feeling at this big moment in my young life.

Although I long ago released my embrace of the delusion that the world and weather revolved around me and my life, it still seems to correlate just right from time to time. We are in the middle of a wacky winter here in Missouri where we are having 70 degree days and series of tornadoes in January and February followed by a day with 3 inches of snow. It is unreal. Life has also been offering such sporadic and utterly surprising changes. Unfortunately, they are the types of changes that bring tornadoes of grief and not a blanket of white, powdery beauty.

Last week the wife of my husband's friend and coworker died suddenly of heart failure. She was 43 years old. She and her husband were lying in bed talking and her heart stopped. No previous indications of health problems were present. She and her husband had been high school sweethearts, married for 20 years with two sons. Then, just two days later, my cousin's husband collapsed at work. Evidently he had some plaque that broke through an artery killing him instantly. He was 42. My cousin and her husband had also been high school sweethearts; they have two teenage girls.

What is going on? Mortality occasionally slaps us in the face, but the magnitude of grief that come with these two premature and sudden deaths is overwhelming. I just don't know what I would do or how I could survive in the same circumstances. I think I'd have to take the kid(s) and run away for a while. My heart goes out to these two families...

A much brighter note... my daughter

2008-01-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

I have a captivating 9 month old little girl. Daily I am humbled by how much she is progressing while I waste entirely too much time on the couch. Yesterday alone she did several firsts, such as doing the sign for "more," indicating that she wanted more milk, she stood up in her crib by herself, and she breached two separate barriers- first crawling over the bottom rungs of a chair and over a step into our nasty dirty back porch mud room, then pushing aside and crawling around the clothes drying rack to escape the kitchen. She is becoming nearly impossible to contain, which is where/when all these modern gadgets come into play... you know, like taser guns. No, really more like baby gates and safety latches for cabinets. Parenthood sure has been a dynamic journey so far- maybe I'm not just sitting on the couch after all.

Disillusioned

2008-01-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm just becoming more cynical. My last post on politics seems almost idealistic compared to how I now feel. I guess all the bickering came to a head (but certainly not an end) last night during the Democratic presidential debate in South Carolina. Now, let's move on, really. Why do politics remind me so much of high school cliques and gossip?

The Soap Opera of Politics

2008-01-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

I find myself addicted these days to the daily back and forth and subtle advances between/among the presidential candidates. The more I pay attention, the more irritated I become. Sure, it has (always) been about spin and the media, but it amazes me how little moments and small statements can take root in the media outlets and grow into prominent stories. Then, the candidates jump in and spin some more. It's all so painful sometimes.

The rhetoric between the Clintons and Obama has really grabbed my attention, mostly because I've been paying enough attention and watching enough speeches and interviews, that I have had a glimpse into how the candidates (read: Hillary) attempt to redraw previous comments.

There are two threads that I've followed recently... first, Bill Clinton saying that the media's depiction of Obama's record on the Iraq war was a "fairy tale." Obama was asked for his reaction to this statement, and he said is was a mis-representation of his record. Then, Obama proceded to clarify how his stance against the war is not inconsistent with his vote to provide funds to support our soldiers that were already fighting in a war he did not agree with. I fully agreed with his representation of his votes on this matter. Despite my disdain for this war, I think it was disgraceful that our troops were not properly armed and it would be immoral to deny funds to protect them (within reason, of course). To end this "fairy tale" exchange, in an interview with Hillary Clinton she was asked for her reaction to Obama's comment that the original slam was a misrepresentation of his record. She continued the attack and listed Obama's voting positions (as he himself mentioned in the interview) but left out the details that easily clarified the logic and consistency behind these votes. She is clearly going on the offensive without any real concern for the heart or significance of the matter... just desperately searching for little openings for attack.

The second string of comments is regarding Hillary Clinton's recent comment on Martin Luther King. I find it all so darn intolerable because Hillary changes her rhetoric nearly daily to address the mood and polls of the day. When Obama won Iowa on the message of "Change" and of "Hope," Hillary attacked those visionary themes by saying it is not wise to stand on "false hopes." In a speech, Obama then mentions that some would deride him for having false hope, but what if JFK just said that the moon was too far or if Martin Luther King said that the dream was dead. Again Hillary goes on the attack and denigrates Obama for comparing himself to JFK and MLK. Instead of putting down her shovel and walking away though, she grabs ahold and slams it into the dirt and starts digging, as she attempts to separate Obama and his message from these other inspirational figures. She mentions that JFK had many years of governmental experience before becoming president and that MLK would not have been nearly as effective if it weren't for the political policies and laws enacted by Lyndon Johnson, etc. When I heard her make this comment it was instantly obvious that she'd taken that shovel and hit a gas line. A few days later the media starts hyping on this statement. Clinton's response: no, not an apology or a clarification of her original intent (which was just an attempt at throwing venom toward her opponent and didn't have any substance anyway) but another accusation- it's Obama's fault for misconstruing my words! What?!!! I heard her words, and they were not wise. It's not a good idea to downplay the role of an American icon who was the primary force behind the civil rights movement. So, even if Obama's campaign did push this story into the headlines, they definitely didn't have to misconstrue anything. When asked about this story, Obama just asserts (as he consistently does) that he and his campaign had nothing to do with promoting the story and that the MLK statement that she made was ill-advised.

The conclusion I've come to from all of this is that Hillary is still struggling to change her message and her image to conform to the tide of the voters. In the process, she tries to inconspicuously sling mud behind her back. I find it very distasteful and not very refined. If you are going to assert that you are a new kind of politician, you better either eliminate the old dirty tricks or at least polish them better so that they aren't such obvious declarations of your own venomous hypocrisy.

Experimenting with an old love...

2008-01-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, the title of this post sounds a lot juicier than the content will actually prove to be. Sorry to disappoint. I used to write- never a lot, but it used to be an important interest of mine. Life happens, and I get distracted. Now that I am at home with a beauty of a little girl and spend the bulk of my time caring for her needs, I find my mind wandering and pondering more, and I really appreciate the few opportunities I have to engage in thoughtful dialog with other adults. So, in the absence of daily adult interaction, I have found myself here again to share my thoughts. I'll see where this takes me...