Four year old contemplates the physicality of death and discovers infinity...

The following is a poor approximation of two intriguing conversations my four year old initiated with me today...  Ella, on her way out the door to the backyard, looks up at me and asks, " When you die, do you still have your skin, even though you are gone?"

“Yes. You still have your skin.”

“But, you aren't there anymore, cause you are dead? What happens to you?”

“Your organs stop working.”

“Does your skin stop working?”

“Yes."  

"Then, what? Does it go away?"

"Yes, then it goes away, too.”

“Oh,” and she closes the screen door and turns around to play outside.

Several hours later, we finished brushing her teeth, and Ella asks me “Is there an end number? Do numbers just keep on going?”

“Yes. They just keep on going.”

“They don't stop. They just keep on going and going.”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“That's the cool thing about numbers, no matter how high you go, you can add more. How did you know this? Have you and your dad been talking about it?”

“No. I was just thinking about it,” she replies while doing a circular motion with her finger next to her head as if she's indicating the wheels turning inside.

Finding structure

I realized I hadn't written in quite some time, so I ventured over and immediately was taken in and redirected by my last post. I am happy to report that the stupor I was suffering has been (at least momentarily) combated. Ironically, I am keeping myself busier and structuring my days better now that I am not working. The key was that I wrote down a lot of little home projects that really need to get done and that I want to do, and I have been slowly tackling them this summer. Ella has helped me immensely, too, by starting to take longer naps. Finally, after 7 or more months in which her two naps a day have been consistently 30 - 40 minutes each, she has started taking naps that last 1 - 1.5 hours, occasionally even sleeping longer. It's amazing how much more I can get done during those nap times now! So, I have embraced a new purpose in "nesting," and I gotta admit it feels good. In the first 2 weeks or so I've painted the hallway, cleaned up the scraggly excuse for landscaping, cleaned out Tay's room, and all around have done better at keeping up with housework and cooking decent meals. Ah. It feels good to not be fighting oneself all of the time. And, many of the projects I've chosen to tackle entail at least a wee bit of creativity, which helps me feel somewhat inspired on top of feeling productive. So far just the feeling of success is enough to sustain me.

Ambivilence stupor

I'm afraid I'm not passionate about much. Or, that I have the passion within me, but I don't have a chance to unlock it because I am too occupied doing laundry and washing dishes. Or, (even worse?) that I waste some of the good time I have just staring into space, and then I have to rush around doing laundry and washing dishes, then take the remaining late night hours to grade papers, and I don't even stop to think about what I would like to be doing if I finally had this "life" thing down pat and all in order. So, what do I wish for? More time? Would that do it? I think I would just like a little more structure. A good project I was engaged in, one in which I am working with others, contributing a little, learning a bit, and it has the added benefit of anchoring my time. I spend such a large majority of my time with myself, and a miniature lady who just turned one (yeah!), that I've actually lost a sense of myself. I just don't know where to find me.

Media subtleties

Without a television, ipod, or good college radio station at hand, I listen to a lot of NPR. It's my main source of news and entertainment especially in the mornings and evenings, during dinner preparation time. As I listen, I try to keep my mind open to the sub-text of the messages, seeing if I can interpret anything that is not being said as well as what is said- it's just a personal mental exercise. For a while, I've had the impression (which according to recent Saturday Night Live skits is not at all unique) that many of the journalists, even on NPR, seem to like Obama... yes, even a bit more than the other candidates. I feel that this impression was confirmed this morning. Between interviews, news stories, etc., NPR always plays a few bars of music for transition. This morning, at the conclusion of an interview with Obama, the instrumental music that transitioned to the next segment was a rendition of the Steve Miller Band's song with the phrase... "time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future." Prophetic or just hopeful?

Is unity in the future for the Dems?

There is a lot of talk now about Hillary fighting for every last delegate, including the delegates in Michigan and Florida. I think that this type of strategy that her own campaign is forging and talking about- even promoting the significance of superdelegates as important, equal votes (instead of votes that may undermine our democracy by going against the popular vote) speaks of the selfish focus that Hillary has to win this election. Her claims that she is doing this for America just are not backed by her actions, in my view.

So, yesterday I came across this letter, and although the author has a much higher regard for Senator Clinton than I do, I think she eloquently speaks to the heart of the choice we have to make. http://queenofspainblog.com/2008/02/12/dear-senator-hillary-clinton-please-step-down/

A unified America... is it possible? I don't know, but I sure would like to give it a fighting chance.

I get to vote today!

I get to vote today! I get to vote today!
I don't think I've ever been this excited to vote. I am actually voting for someone who I really like, think could make a good leader, and has a really good chance to win. Wow. I have always felt delighted upon leaving the polling place having cast a ballot and utilizing my freedoms, but this year I am bubbling in anticipation. I feel HOPE. I think I can make a difference toward CHANGE, and that, my friend, is beautiful.

Sporadic weather as a reflection of life and death

When I was younger, I regularly recognized that the weather often reflected my mood or the tide of the day. I took note when I was sad on rainy days... especially when I'd leave a visit with my dad in Missouri and it was raining and I'd arrive to be with my mom in Texas and it was sunny. I was sad to go and yet happy to be home- and the weather was on board. Then, on the day I graduated from high school it was one of those sunny/rainy days where the sun would light up the rain in a bright grey green glow- a perfect representation of the bittersweet emotions I was feeling at this big moment in my young life.

Although I long ago released my embrace of the delusion that the world and weather revolved around me and my life, it still seems to correlate just right from time to time. We are in the middle of a wacky winter here in Missouri where we are having 70 degree days and series of tornadoes in January and February followed by a day with 3 inches of snow. It is unreal. Life has also been offering such sporadic and utterly surprising changes. Unfortunately, they are the types of changes that bring tornadoes of grief and not a blanket of white, powdery beauty.

Last week the wife of my husband's friend and coworker died suddenly of heart failure. She was 43 years old. She and her husband were lying in bed talking and her heart stopped. No previous indications of health problems were present. She and her husband had been high school sweethearts, married for 20 years with two sons. Then, just two days later, my cousin's husband collapsed at work. Evidently he had some plaque that broke through an artery killing him instantly. He was 42. My cousin and her husband had also been high school sweethearts; they have two teenage girls.

What is going on? Mortality occasionally slaps us in the face, but the magnitude of grief that come with these two premature and sudden deaths is overwhelming. I just don't know what I would do or how I could survive in the same circumstances. I think I'd have to take the kid(s) and run away for a while. My heart goes out to these two families...